Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said
Column #1

Expressing Feelings to My Wife

Dear Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said,

My wife has always asked me how I feel emotionally about stuff, and I just haven't gotten why it's so important to her. Whenever she asks, I just kind of shrug my shoulders, stammer out a couple of "I don't know's" to her, and try to change the subject. Now she says she feels really alone and is unhappy in the relationship and that she can't imagine staying in the marriage if I can't learn how to talk to her this way. I know I get really confused and frustrated about all this, but I have no idea what to do. Can you help?

- Drake, San Marcos

Dr. He

Dear Drake,

As a guy, it makes total sense to me that you would be confused and angry and lost about what to do. Your wife, however, is not the problem here. You were raised in a culture that taught you—and every other guy you and I know—that to feel manly, you need to avoid being emotional, which is code for "don't be a wuss". This has set you up—and every other guy you and I know—to miss out on how to create emotional intimacy in a relationship. I'm talking about the kind of intimacy that has nothing to do with sex. Your wife's aloneness makes sense because she's tired of being the only one trying to keep the relationship emotionally healthy. Look at this from a team perspective, Drake. Would you want to be the only member of a team striving to achieve something that other members of the team didn't seem interested in? You have some work ahead of you, my friend. Open yourself up to new information about yourself! Just because you were taught that feeling your emotions wasn't a very manly thing to do doesn't mean that you haven't had them your whole life. This is a part of you that you've neglected, Drake, and I guarantee that if you take this on as a personal project for yourself, you won't regret it!

Dr. She

Drake,

As a woman, I can tell you that we are wired to feel good about our relationships through emotional connection. So I understand why you're wife is feeling alone in the relationship if she is not getting any of that with you. A couple of things need to happen here: First, you need to really understand that the way you express yourself emotionally doesn't have to look or sound like your wife's version of emotional expression. Second, your wife needs to understand that as well. If your wife is expecting you to relate in the way she does, she is setting herself up to be extremely disappointed. What your wife is asking you to do is to "show up" emotionally, meaning she wants to know the way you think and feel about things in general. For example: what concerns you have about your Life; what excites you about your Life; and yes Drake—from time to time—how you are feeling about her and what is or is NOT working for you about the relationship. This is her way of wondering if you've been paying attention! A simple "I'm feeling close to you” or “I liked our talk on the beach the other day" will feel very satisfying to your wife. And if you're not talking much because you’re feeling a bit preoccupied, just tell her that! Or, the next time she asks you how you feel about something and you’re not sure what to say, tell her you want to think it over and promise to get back to her soon with an answer (within the next 24 hours). Remember, she wants to know what the terrain of your world looks like! When she gets a glimpse of that, she’ll understand you better, and you’ll both feel closer in your relationship.