Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said
Column #2

Power Struggle Over Finances

Dear Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said,

I'm a stay at home mom and my husband is the financial provider for the family. Before the kids I worked full time and I was used to making my own money. Now I feel guilty when I spend money and I also feel resentful when I have to "report" to my husband every dollar I spend. I've started to lie to him about what I spend, and I'm not sure how to work my way out of this.

Janet, Oceanside

Dr. She

Dear Janet,

Part of building trust in a relationship involves both partners feeling like they are adults in the relationship and that they are being treated as an adult by their partner. This means that one doesn't hold a "parental" style authority over the other, and the other doesn't act like the subservient “child”. If you are lying to your husband, you are playing the child role, and if he needs an accounting of every dime you spend, he is playing the parent role. It seems that both you and your husband need to get on the same page about respecting and appreciating the equal distribution of labor you have created in your lives. By feeling guilty it doesn't sound like you give yourself credit for the tremendous amount of labor you do with your children and attending to household matters. It is difficult for us as women today to not compare ourselves to our mother's generation who were not respected for being stay-at-home moms. You have made a choice—an honorable and crucial choice—to parent your children, which really is the most important job there is. I'm wondering if you and your husband have agreed on THAT? It seems it would be helpful for you and your husband to sit down together and have a meeting of the hearts about the value of what you each contribute to the family and to the relationship.

Dr. He

Hi Janet,

When a man is the sole income provider for a family, it is crucial for him to learn the team approach of being a Provider-as-Partner vs. the controlling approach of being a Provider-as-Parent. It is very important for your husband to understand how he naturally falls into the parent role with you around money because he is the one bringing home the bacon. If one of the relationship goals for you and your husband is to have more of a “partnership”, however, you both need to sit down and work out a few agreements. For example, we often have the couples we work with “create the habit” of having a Sunday night weekly meeting without the kids underfoot. This is a great way to start and end the new week on the same page. It's the time—even if it's only for 10 or 15 minutes—to coordinate schedules and logistics for the coming week. This is also a time to talk about upcoming expenses beyond the fixed monthly costs you both have. Here you have an opportunity to talk to him as his adult partner who is responsible in her spending activities. If a purchase is needed for non-necessities over an agreed upon amount, then a conversation with a mutually satisfying solution needs to emerge. Who pays the monthly bills? If he typically does, you could make sure to sit in with him when he pulls out the check book and starts writing checks. It might also be a responsibility you could take over for a certain amount of time as part of a good-faith effort on your part to stay up-to-speed on your household financial status. This will give your husband the message that you are taking an active, responsible adult role with the finances and that his wife is also his financial partner.