Relationship Advice For Women
Because I work with so many men, I also have relationship advice for women that I think can help women's confusion about the men they are with.
If you are a woman reading this web site, you no doubt have many questions about why men are the way they are when it comes to relationships.
I hear so often how women want their guy to just “show up” more as their partner because they (women) are tired of feeling so alone in the relationship. But what exactly does that mean?
What I believe women are asking for here is to have a partner that not only participates in the physical, intellectual, financial, and material aspects of the relationship...
but that he also participate in building the emotional foundation of the relationship...
that he "show up" more in the relationship emotionally.
This is a very confusing suggestion for men because it is so formless and abstract to our concrete way of thinking.
And at the heart of this confusion is our lack of awareness of our emotional world.
This is our Achilles heel when it comes to relating at a deep, authentic level with a woman.
In much the same way that women are constantly bombarded in our culture by the unrealistic messages and images of what constitutes feminine beauty...
the “no wimps” mandate compels us as men to feel obliged to steer clear of showing any kind of vulnerability or emotion.
Because the emotional foundation of a relationship is comprised of the emotional values of both people...
if only one person’s emotional input is expressed...
when only one person is attending to the emotional needs of the couple or the family...
then the foundation of the relationship in effect becomes "lopsided" and no longer feels like a partnership.
Therefore, the way for a woman to not feel so alone in a relationship is for her partner to “show up” more, i.e., participate in shaping the emotional needs of the relationship by revealing his emotional world to her.
As a piece of relationship advice for women, I understand that this is easier said than done.
This is very tricky territory for two reasons:
1)Men in every culture around the planet have been trained to disregard and minimize their emotional world.
In order for men to become more expressive emotionally, they need reassurance they can do so without becoming wimpy or emasculated...
which brings us to the second point,
2)When women give men feedback about how to express their feelings (what that means, what that looks, feels, and acts like) the only thing we (men) see and hear is how you (women) express your feelings, and this we interpret as being...wimpy and emasculated.
Now, on the one hand, men really need to hear this
perspective from a woman because it is valuable information from his partner about who she really is and what she really needs.
On the other hand, if it is the only reference offered to him about what “showing up” looks like, it will be impossible for him to express his feelings about the relationship in an authentic (read: masculine) way.
My belief is that men need to know that there is a way for us to show up emotionally "in a manly way"...
...and women need to know that it might look different than the way that they do it.
Bottom line is that...
a healthy relationship happens when two people can be emotionally authentic with each other in ways that are consistent with who they each are.
Most guys will never be as emotionally expressive as their wife or girlfriend.
But that should never be an excuse for him not to try to express himself emotionally...in his own way.
How Men Sell Out Their Personal Truth for Sex
Another strike against men's emotional immaturity is how it influences the way we "fall in love".
The way that men typically fall in love starts out through the haze of sexual chemistry and attraction.
Even if a guy is looking for a long term relationship, any goal of getting laid will compel men to treat women in a way that--once the relationship becomes sexual--will make sure the sex continues...
even if the behavior isn't a genuine or truthful expression of who he really is.
It's the..."I'll do or say whatever you need from me that will keep you having sex with me" approach.
Of course, the problem with this modus operandi is that it requires a guy to keep feeding his facade of acting like a Cool Guy where he totally focuses on her wants and needs...while ignoring his own.
The good news is that...
what may have started out as just a good physical connection may at some point develop into an ongoing relationship where she feels he is very attentive and giving.
The not-so-good news is that...
the foundation of this kind of relationship is based on how the guy rarely includes his genuine and emotionally honest input of what HE needs and feels into the relationship...
which breeds resentment and mistrust in him towards his partner.
And it all begins with how men don't bring the emotional maturity needed to make sure that they create a relationship where their emotional needs are also attended to.
This is how men sell out their personal truth for sex.
How and Why Guys Compartmentalize
You've probably noticed how men are eager to put difficult situations behind them and "moving on".
From your perspective it may look like he just doesn't want to deal with negativity...and that would be a pretty accurate read of the situation.
Men's ability to do this is called compartmentalization.
Compartmentalization refers to an ability to divide something up into segments or parts as a way to keep from feeling overwhelmed by all the stress in our lives.
Because men have little training when it comes to their emotional world, men have perfected the art of segmenting or compartmentalizing their difficult feelings away from their awareness in order to deal with their immediate survival needs...
one chunk at a time.
This is very valuable when it comes to making decisions that need to be made from a rational, logical perspective.
When it comes to survival, this is a very useful skill set and defines to a large degree one of men’s better talents.
It can of course also become a liability when it comes to having a guy define his feeling state at any particular moment, in that...
accessing the compartmentalized feelings that are necessary for him to make an emotional connection with his wife or girlfriend can be a very difficult thing to do.
Because we as men don't stay aware of these separated feelings, we tend to think (and hope) that they don't exist...
and so we minimize whatever it is we do feel–-especially when it comes to anger, sadness, fear, and shame.
It’s not that these feelings don’t occur.
They are there for every human guy, even if it is difficult for him to identify them in the moment.
But what needs to happen is for him to have the desire to contribute his part of the emotional connection to the relationship.
Again, when it comes to giving relationship advice for women, the best thing to remember is that...
when your man is "in his cave", or quiet and unresponsive, or unwilling to talk about the tough issues you both are facing...
it means he is compartmentalizing as a way to protect himself from feeling something emotionally vulnerable.
To read more about this, download my free Special Report on The Unavoidable Relationship Dilemma for Men by filling in the form below.
Men's Fear of Commitment
Men have a hard time committing to a long term relationship when they don’t trust their own abilities to sustain and maintain a long term relationship.
Anyone can get married.
But committing to a long term relationship means making a commitment to doing whatever it takes to keep a relationship functional and happy.
If a guy knows even unconsciously that he doesn't possess the skills or tools to do that, it's pretty difficult for him to make a promise to someone about something he knows he can't deliver.
Of course, this doesn't stop many men from trying anyway.
It's also part of the reason that the divorce rate is so high in our culture.
For him to take the time to learn whatever tools it takes to help make a relationship last would mean that he would have to admit that he has some deficiencies.
That would require him being vulnerable about himself.
That goes against his perception of his own masculinity.
But it is what true partnership is truly about...
two people willing to learn and do whatever it takes to make the relationship a safe place to be themselves.
Men that avoid commitment know at some level that they do not possess or have the capacity or patience or desire to learn those tools.
Of course, these tools don’t just fall into your lap...
especially if you're with someone who thinks he doesn’t need much help with living his life in the first place.
The tools usually appear to the guy that has finally been humbled and scared enough into thinking that he just might end up alone for the rest of his life if he doesn’t do something different.
Unfortunately, this is how most guys end up talking to me...
having felt the threat of his wife or girlfriend leaving the relationship if he doesn't get some help to figure out how to be a better partner.
But if this is what is needed in order to create the doorway for true commitment and intimacy to happen...
then let the
Wake Up Call
Go to CONTACT ME
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