What You Will Learn Here

Besides our previous relationship history, so much of what we've learned about relationships...comes from what we've observed our parents doing--or not doing--with their relationship.

Perhaps your parents had one or more "dysfunctional" marriages that you are all too painfully aware of.

And now maybe you see that you've inherited some of their unhealthy habits when it comes to creating intimacy in a relationship.

Or maybe your parents seemed like they totally had their relationship stuff together...

which makes it all the more confusing as to why you haven't kept your own relationship stuff together as well as they did because...

here you are reading this web site looking for information!

Well you're not alone.

Most couples start out their relationships "being in love" mixed with a high dose of sexual attraction...

...neither of which is enough to keep a relationship thriving long term.

As I tell couples all the time, "Love is not enough" to make and keep a relationship a healthy and stimulating partnership.

So contrary to what many couples want to believe about what it takes to make a relationship work long term...

what it really comes down to...

...is work.

As men, because we don't stay tuned in to the "emotional temperature" of our intimate relationships...

because that would require us staying in tune with our own emotional temperature!...

it's hard for us to know exactly what the work is that needs to be done in order to make our relationships better.

So if you are wondering what more there is to learn about relationships beyond what your parents taught you...

look at the points listed below and ask yourself if any of them describe what it is you are struggling with and looking to do differently in your relationship.

Each of them is an example of what the work of a relationship looks like.

    How to talk to her about your feelings in a way that is manly without being either macho or wuss-like. This one point makes so many other things possible in a relationship. It is particularly important in how you learn to interact with her as a mature man rather than as an immature boy. Even though we have been trained in so many ways to stay emotionally guarded, it is an act of courage to learn how to become emotionally accountable to your partner.

    How to rejuvenate and sustain the sexual intimacy of a long term relationship. This comes from learning the connection between emotional and sexual intimacy and how to use one to feed the other. Both have to be present to make a relationship succeed long term, and both partners must learn how to do this dance of intimacy.

    How to think and act more like a “we” than just like a “me”. Once you get into a relationship, it is crucial for you to learn all the ways you automatically make decisions without thinking about your partner. It is also important to learn how to "carry her in your heart" when you are out in the world, so that even when you are alone, you act and think like you are part of a couple.

    How to regain her trust if you’ve cheated, or lied, or done both. Trust can disappear in a heartbeat. Gaining it back takes a long time. Building trust takes conscious effort that can only happen one small step at a time. But you must proactively offer her trust-building behaviors that are sincere and genuine.

    How to take care of yourself in the best possible way that will also end up taking care of her in the best possible way. Because we are trained as men to take care of others, we do a terrible job of taking care of ourselves--especially emotionally. By learning how to do that for ourselves instead of expecting the woman in our lives to do it for us, we build up our own self-esteem and gain back her respect.

    How to become a better listener and offer solutions to problems in a way she can hear. Healthy communication is such a big part of what makes a relationship last long term. But again, if a guy doesn't have an understanding of what's going on inside of himself to offer her, the connection can't be made.

    How to put unresolved pain from the past to rest. Telling yourself or someone else to "just move on and put the past behind you" is much easier said than done. Unless you "do the work" that is necessary to let go of pain from your past, it doesn't just conveniently disappear.

There are many other things that help a relationship succeed long term, but these seven points are a great beginning.

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